Jokepage

Teamwork

There are 4 people named everybody, somebody, anybody and nobody. There was an important job to be done and everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was everybody's job. Everybody thought anybody could do it but nodody realized the everybody wouldn't do it. It endet up that everybody blamed somebody when nobody did what anybody could have done.

How do I get more money?

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power
Postulate 2: Time is Money

As every engineer knows: Work / Time = Power

Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money we have: Work / Money = Knowledge

Solving for Money we get: Work / Knowledge = Money

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.

Conclusion 1: The less you know the more Money you make.
Conclusion 2: You're doing the wrong job.

Two bullets

The president of Lotus walks into an elevator with a gun in his hand. In the elevator are: Sadam Hussein, Timmothy McVeigh, and Bill Gates, but there are only two bullets in the gun!
Who does he shoot???
Gates, twice to be sure.

Heaven or Hell?

Did you hear about the Microsoft Windows programmer who died?
He found himself in front of a committee that decides whether you go to Heaven or Hell.
The committee told the programmer he had some say in the matter and asked him if he wanted to see Heaven and Hell before stating his preference.
"Sure," he said, so an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach, volleyball, and rock and roll, where everyone was having a great time.
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "Heaven is great!"
"Wrong," said the angel. "That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?"
"Sure!" So the angel took him to another place. Here a bunch of people were sitting in a park playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons.
"This is Heaven?" asked the Windows programmer.
"Yup," said the angel.
"Then I'll take Hell." Instantly he found himself plunged up to his neck in red-hot lava, with the hosts of the damned in torment around him. "Where's the beach? The music? The volleyball?" he screamed frantically to the angel.
"That was the demo," she replied as she vanished.

The plane

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out.
So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey! Where am I?"
To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane."
The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."

Lightbulb

Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.

Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."

Windows 95

32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand for 1 bit of competition.

Hotline

Customer: I'm using Windows '95.
Hotline: Ok, got that one.
Customer: It's not working.
Hotline: You already said that.

Numbers...

"DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use wordwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form."

The programmer and the frog

A boy was walking down the road when he ran into a frog. The frog said, "If you kiss me I'll turn into a princess." The boy picked up the frog, looked at it and put it in his pocket. Te frog then said, "If you kiss me I'll turn into a princess and I'll stay with you for one week." The boy pulled the frog from his pocket, smiled at it and put it away again. The frog then said, "If you kiss me I'll turn into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and I'll do anything that you want." The boy pulled the frog from his pocket, smiled at it and put it away again. The frog then said, "Hey, wait a minute! I've already told you that if you kiss me I'll turn into a princess, stay with you for one week and do anything that you want.I don't understand: why won't you kiss me?" The boy replied, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for girlfriends but a talking frog is really cool."

Unix Jokes

• Unix humor
• 101 things you don't want to hear from your SysAdmin
• SysAdmin types

Computer Industry Acronyms

PCMCIA	People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN	It Still Does Nothing
APPLE	Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI	System Can't See It
DOS	Defective Operating System
BASIC	Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM	I Blame Microsoft
DEC	Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM	Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2	Obsolete Soon, Too
WWW	World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH	Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM	Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL	Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA	A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP	Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS	Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS	Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT	Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

Phrases

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it? (Albert Einstein)

You don't really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. (Albert Einstein)

"An NT box can be run by an idiot.... and usually is"

My software has no bugs, it just developes random features.

Upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.
No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0. - A "Don't remind me again" button - Minimize button - An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources. - An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of.
Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

***** BUG WARNING ********************
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

***** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ***************
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

Mathematics Glossary

Any student who ever sat or slept trough a mathematics course knows that certain words and phrases occur very frequently. This glossary might eliminate some confusion.

The instructor says	He really means
trivial	The student might be able to do it in three hours or so.
simple	An "A" student can do it in a week or so.
easy	This topic would make a good master's thesis.
clear	The instructor can do it (he thinks).
obvious	The instructor is sure it is in his notes somewhere.
certainly	The instructor saw one of his instructors do it, but has completely forgotten how it was done.
left as an exercise for the student	The instructor lost his notes.
is well known	The instructor heard that someone once did it.
can be shown	The instructor thinks it might be true, but has no idea how to prove it.
the diligent student can show	It is an unsolved problem - probably harder than FERMAT's Last Theorem.

All Odd Integers Higher Than 2 Are Prime.

Several students were asked the following problem: Prove that all odd integers higher than 2 are prime.

• Mathematician: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and by induction, we have that all the odd integers are prime."
• Statistician: "100% of the sample 5, 13, 37, 41 and 53 is prime, so all odd numbers must be prime."
• Physicist: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it seems that you're right."
  Wouldn't a modern physicist employ something like renormalization?
  "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ...
  9/3 is prime
  11 is prime, 13 is prime, 15 is ...
  15/3 is prime
  17 is prime, 19 is prime, 21 is ...
  21/3 is prime."
• Quantum Physicist: "All numbers are equally prime and non-prime until observed."
• Chemist: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime.. that's enough."
• Cosmologist: "3 is prime, yes it is true..."
• Engineer: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is..., 9 is..., well if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it does seem right."
• Engineer: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not working, fetch toolbox."
• Engineer: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime..." (Continues until told to go home by others)
• Computer scientist: "I've just whipped up a program to really go and prove it..." He goes over to his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says, "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..."
• Computer scientist using Unix: "3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime, segmentation fault. core dumped."
• Computer Scientist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime... Bus error. Core dumped.
• The computer programmer method is: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 9 is prime, 9 is prime, 9 is ..."
  Opps, let's try that again:
  "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... 3 is ..."
  Um, right. Okay, how about this:
  "3 is not prime, 5 is not prime, 7 is not prime, 9 is not prime..."
  So much for the beta releases. Ship this:
  "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is a feature, 11 is prime..."
  and put on the cover "More prime numbers than anyone else in the industry!"
• Coming soon: "3 is a prime, 4 is a feature, 5 is a prime, 6 is a feature, 7 is a prime, 8 is not yet implemented, 9 is our backwards compatibilty module, ..."
• Windows programmer: "1 is prime. Wait."
• Mac programmer: "Now why would anyone want to know about that? That's not user friendly. You don't worry about it, we'll take care of it for you."
• Bill Gates: "1. No one will ever need any more then 1."
• TRS-80 Computer Programmer: "One is prime, Two is prime, Three is prime, Out of Memory."
• Computer Scientist with a Pentium: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 6.9999978 is prime..."
• Software tech support operator: "Well, we haven't had any reports of composite odd numbers... do you have the latest version of ZFC?"
• Logician:
  Hypothesis: All odd numbers are prime
  Proof:
  1. If a proof exists, then the hypothesis must be true
  2. The proof exists; you're reading it now.

  From 1 and 2 follows that all odd numbers are prime

• Confused Undergraduate: "Yes, it's true. Proof: Let p be any prime number larger than 2. Then p is not divisible by 2, so p is odd. q.e.d."
• Linguist: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 aaah. I can make 9 a prime."
• Linguist: "Are you lot going to shut up and buy me a beer or not?"
• Philosopher: "Why don't we just call all the odd numbers prime and call all the prime numbers odd, that way all the odd numbers would be prime."
• Philosopher: "3 is prime. Hum, thats an interesting statement, I'll get one of my research students to look into that."
• Economist: "Assume 9 is prime..."
• Economist: "2 is a prime, 4 is a prime."
• Economist: "2 is even, 4 is even, 6 is even..."
• Economist: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not prime. Look - the prime rate is dropping."
• English Major: "1 is prime, 2 is prime, 3 is prime, 4 is prime... Any fool could prove that the above is wrong..."
  After all, no English major can count that high!
• Theologian: "3 is prime and that's good enough for me!"
• Theologian: "No after all before God all numbers even, odd and prime are created equal."
• Christian: "I'm sure the Bible says that all odd numbers are prime."
• Pope: "9 is prime. If you think otherwise, prepare to be damned."
• The Psychiatrist: "1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime but trying to supress it, 11 is prime..."
• Shrink: "3 is prime, 5 is prime etc... And how could one specify 'prime' anyway?"
• Psychologists: "Do they want to be?"
• Sociologist: "3 is a number, 3 is prime, all numbers are prime."
• Sociologist: "Is it right to call numbers odd?"
• Multiculturalist: "Pfui! There you go, classifying numbers into categories."
• Lawyer: "3 is prime, yet 5 could be anything, taking into account, but not limited to, the fact that 4 may or may not be prime, depending on the witnesses' testimonies and the written evidence furnished."
• Lawyer: "According to Maths v Logic, 9 was judicially declared prime"
• Accountant: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, deducing 10% tax and 5% other obligations."
• Accountant: "What would you like it to be?"
• Politician: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is composite, 11 is prime - we can ignore 9 because the primes have a majority."
• Corrupt Politician: "For a sufficent donation, 9 can be reclassified."
• Politician: "Do you want them to be?"
• Manager: "3 yes, 5 yes, 7 YES, 9 Now let's take a positive attitude here."
• QA: "1 is not proven, 2 no and reported, 3 not proven, 4 no and reported, ..."
• Butcher: "Prime? What do numbers have to do with meat?"
• Crank: "9 IS PRIME! NOW WHERE IS THE CAPS UNLOCK?"

German Jokes:

A-Klasse Witze

• Unterhalten sich zwei A- Klasse Fahrer:"Gehn wir einen kippen?"
• In den Auto-Waschanlagen gibt es jetzt ein neues Waschprogramm speziell für die A-Klasse: Waschen, Legen, Föhnen...
• Warum heisst das neue Auto von Mercedes A-Klasse? Jedesmal, wenn man um eine Kurve fährt schreien alle: aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh und wenn das Auto nach der Kurve noch steht: Klasse
• Seit Markteiführung der A-Klasse beschäftigen sich viele Firmen mit der Herstellung von Aussen-Airbags.
• Ich find die A-Klasse einfach umwerfend!
• Die A-Klasse wird in Zukunft nur noch im Doppelpack verkauft.... Die kann man dann aneinanderlehnen!!!
• Mercedes will die neue A-Klasse jetzt tieferlegen. Dann kann er unter einem Elch hindurchfahren.
• Die Bezeichnung "A-KLASSE" ist doch schon eine versteckte Warnung des Herstellers: A - K L A S S E Auto kippt leicht auf Seite, siehe Elchtest
• Der WWF hat Mercedes eingeklagt. Die Elche drohen auszusterben ....... sie lachen sich tot.

Diverse

• Hans: "Ich habe gehört, dass du im Bundeshaus arbeitest. Stimmt das?" - "Nein", antwortet Walter, "ich bin nur dort angestellt."
• "Ist Eure Scheidung schon ausgesprochen?" - "Jawohl, alles ist geregelt. Meine Frau hat die Einrichtung bekommen und ich den Hund." - "Und wie ist es mit Eurem Vermögen geworden?" - "Das hat der Rechtsanwalt."
• "Meine Frau ist immer sehr tüchtig, sie weiss alles." - "Das ist noch gar nicht, meine weiss immer alles besser!"
• Ein Pferd, eine Kuh und ein ganz gewöhnlicher Esel stritten sich darüber, wer von ihnen am wichtigsten wäre im Krieg. "Ich natürlich", sagte das Pferd, "ich ziehe Kanonen, trage Offiziere und arbeite für die Soldaten." - "Und was sollen die Soldaten ohne mein Fleich, meine Milch und die Butter machen?" begehrte die Kuh auf, "also bin auch am wichtigsten." "Hahaha", lachte darauf der Esel, "und wenn ich nicht in den Ministerien sässe, gäbe es überhaupt keinen Krieg!"

If you are looking for more german jokes, you should have a look at the newsgroup de.talk.jokes